Shame from things done to you

If someone abused, assaulted, used or humiliated you, what they did is their sin, not yours. You do not need to confess it, because you did not commit it. God does not hold you guilty for what was done to you, and the shame you feel is not a sign that you deserved it. It is one of the ways harm leaves its mark. Scripture places the guilt on the one who did wrong and speaks to the one who was wronged with tenderness and a promise of justice.

Before anything else: if you are in danger now, or the person who hurt you still has access to you or to children, your safety comes first. Contact the police or emergency services. If you are thinking of harming yourself, call a crisis line: 988 in the US and Canada, Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK and Ireland, Lifeline on 13 11 14 in Australia, or find one at findahelpline.com. Talking to a doctor or GP and a qualified counsellor experienced with trauma is wise and good. This page is not a substitute for any of them.

Why you feel ashamed of something you did not do

Shame is the feeling of being exposed, dirtied or less than others. Harm done to us produces that feeling as surely as our own sin does, sometimes more so. Those who hurt others often make it worse on purpose, telling them it was their fault, that they wanted it, that no one would believe them, that telling would destroy the family or the church.

None of that makes it true. The feeling of shame is real, but it is not a verdict. A person can feel filthy and be entirely innocent.

Scripture tells these stories honestly

The Bible does not hide sexual violence or protect the powerful who commit it. When Amnon, a king’s son, tried to force his half-sister Tamar, she named what it would do to her.

Where could I ever take my shame? — 2 Samuel 13:13

He did it anyway. Afterwards she grieved openly.

And Tamar put ashes on her head and tore her robe. And putting her hand on her head, she went away crying aloud. — 2 Samuel 13:19

Notice what the narrative does. It calls Amnon’s act a disgrace and records his hatred and his guilt. It does not blame Tamar. It also records, without approval, that her brother told her to keep quiet, and that her father, King David, was angry but did nothing. The story shows how victims are often silenced by the people closest to them, and Scripture sets that silence down as part of the wrong.

If you were told to stay quiet, to protect someone’s name, or to “just forgive and move on”, that was not the voice of God.

God sees, and he takes the side of the wronged

The psalms return again and again to people crushed by others, and they insist that God has seen it.

But You have regarded trouble and grief; You see to repay it by Your hand. The victim entrusts himself to You; You are the helper of the fatherless. — Psalm 10:14

God is not neutral about abuse. He sees it, he will call it to account, and he is the helper of the one who was harmed. You can bring your anger to him as well. Many psalms are prayers of people asking God to act against those who hurt them. That kind of prayer is not a sin to confess. It is honest faith.

Jesus himself knows what it is to be shamed by others. He was stripped, mocked, spat on and executed publicly.

He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief. Like one from whom men hide their faces, He was despised, and we esteemed Him not. — Isaiah 53:3

When you pray, you are not speaking to someone who needs your shame explained. He has been where you are.

What confession does and does not apply to

Confession is for sins we have committed. It is not for being a victim. You do not need to ask God’s forgiveness for being assaulted, for not fighting back, for freezing, for not telling sooner, or for the fact that it happened more than once. None of these is sin.

Some people have also done wrong things in the years since, perhaps in anger, in trying to numb the pain, or in harming others. Those can be brought to God honestly, and he forgives them. But confessing your own sins is entirely separate from what was done to you. Do not let anyone blend the two, and do not blend them yourself. The guide on guilt, conviction and shame may help you tell them apart.

Forgiveness does not mean silence, contact or trust

Christians are called to forgive, and many survivors are pressed to do it quickly and quietly. Scripture’s picture is more careful than that.

• Forgiving someone means giving up personal revenge and entrusting judgement to God. It does not mean pretending the harm was small.
• It does not mean you must see the person, stay in a relationship with them, or let them near you or your children.
• It does not mean the matter should not be reported. Justice through proper authorities is not the opposite of forgiveness.
• It is often a long process, not a single decision, and it is not a condition of God’s love for you.

There is more on this in forgiving someone who never apologised. Take it slowly. God is patient with you.

Practical steps towards safety and healing

• Get safe first. If you or anyone else is at risk, contact the police or emergency services.
• Tell someone trustworthy. A doctor, a counsellor, a trusted friend, or a pastor who will take you seriously. If the harm happened in a church, you are free to go outside the church for help.
• Get professional help. Trauma affects sleep, memory, the body and relationships. A doctor or GP can point you to qualified support. Seeking it is wise, not faithless.
• Pray in your own words. Lament is allowed. So is silence.
• Guard what you hear. Keep away, for a season, from voices that blame you or rush you.

Where Christians differ

Christians agree that abuse is grave sin, that victims are not guilty of it, and that God cares for the oppressed. They differ on how forgiveness relates to justice and reconciliation. Some stress forgiving from the heart as soon as one can, while still pursuing safety and justice; others stress that forgiveness in the full sense involves the wrongdoer’s repentance and may take a long time. Faithful Christians agree that no survivor should be pressured to forgive on someone else’s timetable, or to reconcile with someone who is unrepentant or unsafe.

Before you finish

God’s word to people like you is not “confess” but “come”.

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted; He saves the contrite in spirit. — Psalm 34:18

Jesus read these words aloud about his own work.

He has sent Me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and freedom to the prisoners, — Isaiah 61:1

to give them a crown of beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and a garment of praise for a spirit of despair. — Isaiah 61:3

Tamar put ashes on her head. God promises a crown in their place. Pray, read the psalms slowly, look for a safe church, and please reach out today to a doctor, counsellor or crisis line if you are carrying this alone.