Forgiving someone who never apologised

Yes, you can forgive someone who has never apologised, and Jesus asks his followers to. Forgiveness in this sense means letting go of your claim to make them pay: giving up revenge, the silent hope that they suffer, and the right to hold it over them, and handing the whole case to God, who judges justly. You can do that without their co-operation, because it happens between you and God.

What you cannot do on your own is be reconciled. Reconciliation takes two people, and it needs honesty from the one who did the wrong. So forgiving someone who has never said sorry does not mean pretending it did not happen, calling it acceptable, trusting them again, or putting yourself back within their reach. It means you stop carrying the debt, and you let God carry it instead.

Forgiveness does not wait for the other person

Jesus attached forgiveness to prayer, not to the other person’s apology.

And when you stand to pray, if you hold anything against another, forgive it, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your trespasses as well.” — Mark 11:25

There is no condition about whether the other person has repented. The instruction is simply: if you are holding something, let it go when you pray. Jesus did this himself, at the worst moment imaginable, for people who were not sorry at all.

Then Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” — Luke 23:34

The soldiers were still gambling for his clothes. No one had apologised. He prayed for them anyway.

What you are actually letting go of

Many people resist forgiving because it feels like saying that what happened did not matter, or that the other person has got away with it. Scripture says the opposite.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Carefully consider what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible on your part, live at peace with everyone. Do not avenge yourselves, beloved, but leave room for God’s wrath. For it is written: “Vengeance is Mine; I will repay, says the Lord.” — Romans 12:17-19

Forgiveness does not cancel justice. It moves justice out of your hands and into God’s. You are not saying “it was nothing”. You are saying “it was serious, and I am giving it to the only one who can judge it rightly.” That is why forgiving is not the same as approving. It takes the wrong seriously enough to hand it to God.

It also sets you free from a job you were never able to do. Holding a grudge is like keeping a ledger open for years, waiting for a payment that may never come. Forgiveness closes your ledger. It does not close God’s.

What forgiveness without an apology does not require

It does not require reconciliation. Jesus described full restoration as something that follows repentance.

Watch yourselves. If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. — Luke 17:3

Where there is no repentance, you can still release your resentment, but the relationship may not be restored, and that is not your failure. You can only do your part.

It does not require trust. Forgiveness is given; trust is earned, slowly, by changed behaviour. The two are separate, and there is a whole guide on that: forgiveness and trust are not the same thing.

It does not require silence. You can forgive someone and still tell the truth about what they did, still report a crime, still give evidence, still warn others.

It does not require contact. You may never speak to them again. Forgiveness can be complete in your own prayers without a single conversation.

If what they did was abuse

If the person who never apologised hurt you through abuse, violence or control, your safety comes first. Forgiveness never obliges you to stay in danger, to keep a secret, or to protect them from consequences. Telling the police, a doctor, a safeguarding lead at church or a trained professional is not unforgiving. It is wise, and often it protects other people too.

If the memory of what was done to you has left you in despair, or with thoughts of harming yourself, please speak to someone now. In the US or Canada call or text 988; in the UK and Ireland call Samaritans on 116 123; in Australia call Lifeline on 13 11 14; elsewhere, find a line at https://findahelpline.com. The guide on shame from things done to you may also help.

How to actually do it

Forgiving someone who has not apologised is usually not a single moment. It is a decision you make, and then keep making.

1. Name the debt precisely. Vague forgiveness does not reach the wound. Write down what they did and what it cost you.
2. Tell God the truth about how you feel. The psalms are full of anger. You do not have to pretend to be calm before you can forgive.
3. Hand it over. Say it in prayer: “Lord, they did this to me. I release my right to make them pay. I give it to you, because you judge justly.”
4. Pray for them, even briefly. Not that they get away with it, but that they come to see what they did and turn to God. It may be a short, grudging prayer at first. It still counts.
5. Repeat it when the anger returns. It will. Each time, hand it over again.

This is exactly what Jesus did under provocation.

When they heaped abuse on Him, He did not retaliate; when He suffered, He made no threats, but entrusted Himself to Him who judges justly. — 1 Peter 2:23

Entrusting is the heart of it. You are not pretending the wound is not there. You are trusting someone else with it.

When the feelings come back

Having forgiven, you may find the resentment flares again: when you see their name, when they seem to be doing well, when the date comes round. That does not mean you failed. It means you are human, and the wound is still healing. Forgive again.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, outcry and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and tenderhearted to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you. — Ephesians 4:31-32

The measure is how God forgave you, and he did that while you were still in the wrong.

Where Christians differ

Faithful Christians describe this in slightly different ways. Some teach that forgiveness in the full sense, like God’s, is granted only when the offender repents; until then, the Christian holds a readiness to forgive and refuses bitterness and revenge. Others teach that forgiveness can be complete on the victim’s side at once, and that only reconciliation waits for repentance. In practice the two positions ask the same things of you: no revenge, no bitterness nursed, the case given to God, and the door left open to repentance where it is safe. They differ mainly in the words they use.

A longer view

Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery and spent years hiding it. When they finally stood before him, afraid, he said this:

But Joseph replied, “Do not be afraid. Am I in the place of God? As for you, what you intended against me for evil, God intended for good, in order to accomplish a day like this—to preserve the lives of many people. — Genesis 50:19-20

“Am I in the place of God?” That question is the key to forgiving someone who may never say sorry. You are not in God’s place. You do not have to be. Bring the person and what they did to him in prayer today, and if the weight is heavy, ask a pastor or a mature Christian to pray it through with you.