Confessing to your children

When you have wronged your child, you should tell them you were wrong and ask their forgiveness. That covers shouting cruelly, breaking a promise, punishing unfairly, mocking them in front of others, or letting a sin of yours shape their home. Keep it short, fit it to their age, name what you did, and do not explain it away. Do not ask them to look after your feelings. Far from weakening your authority, this grounds it. A parent who repents teaches a child that God’s standard stands over everyone in the house, the parents included. It may be the clearest lesson about the gospel your child ever gets from you.

Many parents find this surprisingly hard. We apologise easily to colleagues and friends, yet stall with our own children. Partly this is pride. Partly it is a fear that if we admit we were wrong, the child will stop listening to us. Scripture sees it differently.

Your authority is real, and it is under God

The Bible gives parents genuine authority, and it also puts limits on how it is used.

Fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath; instead, bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. — Ephesians 6:4

Fathers, do not provoke your children, so they will not become discouraged. — Colossians 3:21

Both verses address fathers directly, but the principle applies to every parent. It is possible to use a parent’s position in a way that wounds a child, and God cares about that wound. A parent’s authority comes from God and answers to him. When you misuse it, you have not only broken a household rule. You have sinned against someone God placed in your care.

Children usually know when they have been treated unfairly, even very young ones. If you pretend otherwise, they do not learn that you were right. They learn that power excuses wrongdoing, or that they cannot trust their own sense of what is fair. Neither is what you want them to carry into adulthood.

What your apology teaches them about God

Moses told Israel’s parents to make God’s words part of ordinary family life.

These words I am commanding you today are to be upon your hearts. And you shall teach them diligently to your children and speak of them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. — Deuteronomy 6:6-7

Much of that teaching happens without a Bible open. A child who hears a parent say “I was wrong, will you forgive me?” is watching the gospel in miniature. Sin is named rather than hidden. Forgiveness is asked for, not assumed. The relationship is restored, not left to go quietly cold. Children who see this at home find it easier to believe that God receives people who come to him honestly. Children who never see it may grow up assuming that the way to handle a wrong is to outlast it.

It also shapes how they picture God as a father.

As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him. — Psalm 103:13

You will never be a perfect picture of that compassion. But a parent who says sorry points past themselves to a Father who is better than they are, and that is a good thing for a child to see.

How to say it at different ages

The heart of it is the same at every age: name it, own it, ask. The words change.

Young children. Brief and concrete. “I shouted at you and called you lazy. That was wrong, and it was unkind. I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?” Then give a hug and let the day go on. Small children do not need a long explanation. They need to see the warmth come back.

Older children. Say a little more about what you will do differently, and listen if they want to tell you how it felt. “I promised I would come to your match and I didn’t, and I didn’t even tell you. That was wrong. Next time I will tell you straight away if I can’t make it.”

Teenagers. Expect some scepticism, especially if apologies have been rare or change has not followed. Do not lecture or turn it into a talk about their behaviour. Say it, mean it, and let your changed actions do the persuading over the following weeks.

Adult children. Sometimes the wrong is not one incident but a pattern that shaped their childhood: harshness, absence, drinking, favouritism, a marriage breaking down badly. Here an apology may need to be longer and more careful, and a letter can help. Name what you did without defending yourself. Then be ready to hear their account, which may be harder to listen to than you expect. They may need time before they can respond.

The things that spoil it

Adding a “but”. “I’m sorry I shouted, but you were being rude.” You may need to address their rudeness, but not in the same breath. Keep the two separate, and apologise first.

Making them carry your guilt. Tears are fine. Asking your child to reassure you that you are a good parent is not. They are not there to absolve you.

Oversharing. Children should not be burdened with adult details they are not old enough to hold, such as the particulars of a marriage’s troubles or money worries. Be honest about what you did to them, in words that fit their age.

Apologising without changing. An apology repeated after every outburst, with nothing different in between, slowly teaches a child that “sorry” means nothing. If you keep sinning in the same way, confess that to God and get help. The guide on anger and harsh words may be the place to start.

Demanding forgiveness. You can ask. You should not insist. Children forgive quickly more often than adults do, but they are allowed to take a moment.

When the harm was serious

Some wrongs to children go far beyond a harsh word. Where a parent’s sin has done serious harm, an apology is necessary but it is not the whole of what is needed. The child’s safety comes before everything else, including your reputation, and that may mean involving qualified professional help and the proper authorities. Talk to a pastor, and do not try to handle it privately within the family. Repentance here means accepting whatever real repair requires.

Keep telling them what God has done

The psalmist wanted each generation to hear about the Lord from the one before it.

We will not hide them from their children but will declare to the next generation the praises of the LORD and His might and the wonders He has performed. — Psalm 78:4

One of those wonders is that God forgives sinners, parents included. Confess your sin to God first, because it was against him too. Receive his forgiveness. Then go to your child. And if you pray together as a family, it is good for them to hear you ask God’s forgiveness in your own prayers from time to time, simply and without drama. Your church can help as well: ask an older parent you respect how they learned to do this.