Anger and harsh words: confessing what your mouth has done

Anger itself is not always a sin. God is angry at evil, and at times so should we be. But most of our anger is not like his. It is quick, self-protective and loud, and it comes out as words that wound. When it does, the way through is the same as for any sin: name it to God plainly, without first explaining what the other person did, and ask his forgiveness because of Jesus. Then go to the person you hurt and apologise without conditions. Confessing harsh words is humbling precisely because they were heard. That is also why they cannot be dealt with in private alone.

My beloved brothers, understand this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteousness that God desires. — James 1:19-20

Some anger is right, and most of ours is not

Scripture does not tell us never to be angry.

“Be angry, yet do not sin.” Do not let the sun set upon your anger, and do not give the devil a foothold. — Ephesians 4:26-27

Jesus was angry at the traders in the temple and at the hardness of heart that would rather see a man stay disabled than see him healed on the Sabbath. Righteous anger is aimed at wrong, not at inconvenience. It is on behalf of others more than ourselves. It is controlled, and it moves towards putting things right rather than towards hurting someone.

Be honest about how rarely your anger looks like that. Most of it is about being slowed down, contradicted, embarrassed, ignored or tired. The test is simple: was I angry because God’s name or someone vulnerable was wronged, or because I was?

Jesus puts harsh words next to murder

You have heard that it was said to the ancients, ‘Do not murder’ and ‘Anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, ‘Raca,’ will be subject to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be subject to the fire of hell. — Matthew 5:21-22

That is a shocking comparison, and it is meant to be. Contempt, calling someone worthless, stupid or pathetic, comes from the same root as violence. It wants the other person made smaller. We tend to excuse harsh words because nobody was physically hurt. Jesus does not.

He also tells us where the words come from.

For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. — Luke 6:45

“I didn’t mean it” is rarely quite true. You may not have meant all of it, and you may regret it bitterly now, but the words came from somewhere. Confession has to reach that somewhere.

How to confess it to God

Leave out the other person’s part. This is the hardest discipline in confessing anger, because anger almost always has a story attached: what they said, what they did, how long you had put up with it. Those things may be true, and they may need addressing another time. In confession they become a way of sharing out the blame.

Say what you did. “I shouted at my son and called him useless.” “I sent my sister a message designed to hurt her.” “I sulked for two days to punish my husband.” “I swore at a stranger in traffic.” Sulking and cold silence count too. Anger does not always raise its voice.

Then go beneath the act if you can. Ask God to show you what you were protecting: pride, fear, a sense of being owed, an old hurt you have never dealt with. You may not see it straight away, and that is fine. Keep asking.

Ask forgiveness because of Jesus, and receive it. God is slow to anger and abounding in love. He is not waiting to shout back.

A spark and a forest

In the same way, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it boasts of great things. Consider how small a spark sets a great forest ablaze. The tongue also is a fire, a world of wickedness among the parts of the body. It pollutes the whole person, sets the course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. — James 3:5-6

Words do lasting damage. Children remember what was said in anger long after the parent has forgotten it. A marriage can survive a great deal, but a steady diet of contempt wears it thin. Part of honest confession is taking the measure of what you set alight, not to wallow in it, but so that your apology fits the harm.

Then go to the person

Jesus puts reconciliation ahead of worship.

So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. — Matthew 5:23-24

An apology for harsh words should be specific, short and free of conditions. “I called you useless. That was cruel and untrue, and I am sorry. I have asked God to forgive me, and I am asking you to forgive me too.” Not “I’m sorry you were upset,” and not “I’m sorry, but you know how you wind me up.” The word “but” cancels everything before it. There is more on this in the guide on how to apologise.

Apologise to children, too. It will not undermine your authority. It will teach them what repentance looks like, and it may be the thing they remember.

Practising a slower tongue

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. — Proverbs 15:1

Some ordinary habits help. Notice the physical signs early, such as the tight jaw, the rising voice and the quickened breathing, and treat them as a signal to stop talking. Leave the room if you need to, and say that you will come back. Do not send messages while angry; draft them and wait until morning. Pay attention to the conditions that make you short: hunger, exhaustion, alcohol, overwork. And pray before the hard conversation, not only after it.

When anger has gone further

If your anger has become frightening to the people around you, if you have hit, thrown things, threatened, or controlled someone through fear, this is more than a matter of harsh words. Confession to God is still right, but it is not enough on its own. Speak to a pastor and to a professional who works with anger and domestic abuse, and make sure the people at home are safe.

If you are the one living with someone else’s anger and you are afraid, you do not have to put up with it for the sake of peace. Seek help, and in an emergency call your local emergency number. If you are in crisis yourself, the helplines shown on this page are there for exactly that.

Where Christians differ

Christians agree that sinful anger must be confessed and put away. They differ somewhat on how often our anger can be righteous. Some traditions urge deep suspicion of our own anger; others stress a proper place for anger at injustice. Roman Catholics would bring serious sins of anger to a priest in confession. None of these views excuses contempt or cruelty.

Kindness is the other half

Paul does not only tell us to stop.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, outcry and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and tenderhearted to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you. — Ephesians 4:31-32

You will not become gentle by trying harder not to shout. You become gentle by being forgiven, over and over, until it softens you. Confess tonight what you said today. Apologise tomorrow. Then ask God for the grace to be kind in the very place where you were harsh.