How to apologise to someone you hurt

A good apology does four things. It names what you did in plain words. It takes responsibility without explaining the wrong away. It acknowledges what your wrong cost the other person. And it asks for nothing in return. It is usually short and specific, and it is often harder to say than anything you have prayed in private. If you have already confessed the wrong to God, apologising is the next honest step, and Jesus treats it as urgent.

So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. — Matthew 5:23-24

Look at who moves first. It is not the person who was wronged. It is the person who remembers that someone has something against them. Jesus puts the apology ahead of worship. That does not mean God will not hear you until you have put everything right. It means he will not let you use worship to avoid it.

Confessing to God does not settle it with them

Some Christians assume that once God has forgiven them, the matter is closed. With God it is. But your sin did two things. It offended God, and it hurt a person. Confession deals with the first. The second is still there: someone is carrying the harm, and they may not know whether you even see it.

So the order is usually this. Confess it to God first, because he was the first one sinned against and because you need his forgiveness before you can apologise without self-defence. If you have not done that yet, start with how to confess to God. Then go to the person.

What a real apology sounds like

Jesus gives us a sketch of one in the story of the lost son. Before the young man even reaches home, he has worked out what he will say.

I will get up and go back to my father and say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. — Luke 15:18

There are no conditions in that sentence, no context and no bargaining. He names it as sin, and he names both the people he sinned against. It is fine to rehearse an apology like this. Rehearsing is not insincere. It keeps you from rambling, and rambling is where excuses get in.

A workable shape looks like this.

1. Name it. “I told people at church that you had been lying about the money. It was not true.”
2. Own it. “That was wrong of me. I did it because I was angry, and there is no excuse for it.”
3. Acknowledge the cost. “I know it made people look at you differently, and I know you stopped coming for a while.”
4. Say what you will do. “I have told the people I said it to that it was false. I will not speak about you like that again.”
5. Ask, but do not demand. “I am sorry. Will you forgive me?”

That is complete. You can say it in a minute. Then stop talking and let them answer.

The words that quietly cancel an apology

Some phrases sound like apologies and are not. They move the weight back onto the other person, and people notice.

• “I’m sorry if you were hurt.” The “if” suggests the hurt may have been imagined. Say “I’m sorry that I hurt you.”
• “I’m sorry, but…” Whatever comes after “but” is the real message. If there is something they did wrong too, that is a separate conversation for another day.
• “I’m sorry you feel that way.” This apologises for their feelings, not your actions.
• “Mistakes were made.” By whom? Use “I”.
• The long explanation. You may have been tired, frightened or provoked. If they ask why, tell them honestly and briefly. Do not lead with it.

There is one more trap, and it is harder to spot. It is the apology that makes the other person look after you. You cry, you say how awful you feel, you describe how little you have slept, and they end up comforting you. Your sorrow may be real, but you are not there for it to be seen. You are there for them.

Choosing when and how

In person is usually best, because it costs you more and it lets them see that you mean it. A letter is right when a meeting would be unwelcome or unwise, or when they would find it easier to read your words at their own pace. A message on a phone is better than nothing, but only just.

Choose a private moment. Do not do it in front of others, where they may feel pressed to accept. Do not do it when they are rushing out of the door, or on a birthday, or as a surprise on a day that is already hard for them. If the wrong was public, as with the example above, the correction should reach the same people the harm reached.

If the person has asked you not to contact them, respect it. An apology that ignores a clear request for distance is another way of putting your needs first. Pray for them, and if the situation ever changes, be ready.

Sometimes the person does not know what you did. Whether to tell them then needs real care. The question to ask is whether telling them serves them or only relieves you. For a spouse the answer is usually different, and there is a separate guide on confessing to a spouse.

When they do not forgive you

They may not. They may be angry, or cold, or polite in a way that shuts the door. Scripture is honest about this.

An offended brother is harder to win than a fortified city, and disputes are like the bars of a castle. — Proverbs 18:19

You cannot make someone forgive you, and it is not your place to try. Do not chase them with further apologies, remind them that Christians are supposed to forgive, or tell other people how hard you have tried. Paul gives the limit of your responsibility in one line.

If it is possible on your part, live at peace with everyone. — Romans 12:18

Your part is to apologise honestly and to change. Their part is their response, and that is between them and God. If they do forgive you, remember that forgiveness is not the same as trust. Trust grows back slowly, through kept promises, and they are entitled to take their time.

When you were only partly to blame

Most conflicts have two sides. That does not change what you should do about your own side. Apologise for your part without weighing it against theirs. It is tempting to wait until they admit their fault too, but that turns an apology into a negotiation. Often, though not always, one honest apology makes it easier for the other person to offer theirs. Even when it does not, you have done what was yours to do.

Where Christians differ

Christians broadly agree that wrongs against others should be confessed to them and put right where possible. The main difference is over hidden sins the other person knows nothing about. Some teachers hold that you should always tell, because the relationship deserves the truth. Others hold that you should tell when the wrong affects the person’s life, safety or choices, but not when telling would simply hand them a burden so that you feel lighter. Most would say that anything ongoing, or anything they would reasonably expect to know, should be told. If you are unsure, talk it through with a pastor or a mature Christian before you decide.

Before you go

Pray before you go. Ask God to take the self-defence out of you and to give you plain words. Then go, soon, while the courage is there.

He who conceals his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them will find mercy. — Proverbs 28:13

And if you cannot face it alone, tell someone at your church what you are about to do and ask them to pray for you while you do it.