Gossip: confessing the words we pass on

Gossip is passing on information about someone, true or not, in a way that lowers them in others’ eyes, feeds curiosity or makes you feel included, when they are not there to answer and the listener has no need to know. Scripture treats it as a real sin and lists it alongside things we would never call small. You confess gossip by naming to God what you said, about whom and to whom, and asking forgiveness through Jesus. Because gossip spreads, repentance often also means going back to the people who heard it to correct or withdraw what you said, and sometimes apologising to the person you spoke about. Then comes the harder work of learning to keep a confidence and to speak well of people behind their backs.

The words of a gossip are like choice morsels that go down into the inmost being. — Proverbs 18:8

Why gossip is so tempting

The proverb is honest: gossip tastes good. It offers closeness with the person you are telling, a small thrill of being in the know, and often a quiet sense of being better than the person discussed. It can even feel caring. “I’m only telling you so you can pray for her” is one of the oldest disguises gossip wears.

It also costs the speaker almost nothing at the time. The cost falls on someone who is absent.

A perverse man spreads dissension, and a gossip divides close friends. — Proverbs 16:28

Scripture takes it seriously

Paul’s description of a world turned away from God includes a list that reads like a charge sheet.

They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, and malice. They are gossips, — Romans 1:29

Gossip sits there near murder. That is not because the two do equal damage, but because they grow from the same soil: a heart that does not treat other people as precious to God.

James goes further and says that speaking against a brother or sister sets you up as their judge.

Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. — James 4:11

What counts as gossip

Not every conversation about an absent person is gossip. Asking advice about how to handle a difficult colleague, warning someone about real danger, reporting wrongdoing to someone with authority to act, or discussing a friend’s needs in order to help them can all be right. A few plain questions separate them from gossip:

• Does the listener need to know this?
• Would I say it the same way if the person were here?
• Am I trying to help them, or to be interesting?
• Is it true, and am I sure?
• Was it told to me in confidence?

A gossip reveals a secret, but a trustworthy person keeps a confidence. — Proverbs 11:13

Gossip also includes listening. Leaning in, asking for details, or encouraging someone who is running a person down makes you part of it.

How to confess it

Be specific. “I talk too much sometimes” is a way of avoiding the sin. Try: “I told three people about my friend’s marriage problems after she asked me not to.” “I passed on a rumour about my colleague that I had no way of knowing was true.” “I made fun of my brother-in-law at the dinner table while he was out of the room.”

Name what you were after. Belonging, attention, revenge, a sense of being above someone? Seeing the motive helps you catch it next time.

Then ask forgiveness through Jesus. Your tongue is forgiven as fully as anything else, and he does not repeat your failures to anyone.

Repairing what gossip broke

This is the difficult part, and the part that makes repentance real.

Go back to the listeners. If you passed on something false, tell them it was false. If you passed on something true that was not yours to share, tell them you were wrong to say it and ask them not to repeat it. You cannot call the words back, but you can stop them travelling further.

Consider apologising to the person you spoke about. This needs wisdom. If they know, or are likely to find out, or if your words have clearly harmed them, a plain apology is right: “I spoke about you behind your back, and it was wrong. I am sorry.” If they have no idea and telling them would only wound them, a wise Christian can help you decide. The guide on how to apologise goes into this in more detail.

If you have a real grievance, take it to the person.

If your brother sins against you, go and confront him privately. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. — Matthew 18:15

Jesus’ pattern is the reverse of gossip. It goes to the person first, privately, rather than to everyone except them.

Starving the fire

Without wood, a fire goes out; without gossip, a conflict ceases. — Proverbs 26:20

Some ordinary habits help:

• Change the subject. Kindly, without a lecture.
• Ask a gentle question. “Have you spoken to her about it?” often ends the conversation.
• Say something good. When someone is being run down, add a true, kind word about them.
• Keep confidences. Including from your spouse, unless someone is in danger.
• Watch the group chat. Messages are gossip with a permanent record.
• Pray before gatherings where you know the talk tends to turn.

Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building up the one in need and bringing grace to those who listen. — Ephesians 4:29

Where Christians differ

Christians agree that gossip and slander are sins. They differ on some practical edges, such as how much churches should share in prayer requests, when concerns about a leader should be raised publicly, and whether apologising to someone who never knew they were discussed is always wise. Roman Catholics would bring serious sins of the tongue, especially those that damaged someone’s reputation, to a priest in confession. On the basic principle, to speak about others as you would if they were listening, there is no disagreement.

A guard at the door

Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; keep watch at the door of my lips. — Psalm 141:3

Pray that verse in the morning. Confess tonight the words you should not have passed on. Go back tomorrow to the people who heard them. And ask God to make your mouth a place where other people’s reputations are safe.